Life as a columnist isn’t always easy. Before anyone points it out, I know I’m not working down a mine or pulling a night shift in A&E. But some weeks, time seems to bend. Somehow it’s already deadline day and I’m staring at a blank screen with a menacingly flickering cursor. Eventually, every columnist has to break the emergency glass. The topic you’ve kept in reserve because once you’ve written it, there’s kind of no going back. The top of my crisis topic vault is this: why I’ll never join Reform.

It’s not an easy column to write as regular readers know I have a huge amount of respect for Nigel Farage. There are some Reform policies I agree with too. So why is it when I’m asked if I’d ever be tempted by the turquoise, my answer is always an unequivocal no?

Strangely enough, the person who has finally convinced me to explain why is John Major. I know…but hear me out.

In a recent interview, the former Tory Prime Minister branded Reform a “ragbag”. Whilst conceding the party was capitalising on the mistakes of both Conservative and Labour governments, he warned about building a party on negativity alone. And by asking about the actual purpose of the party, he identified my concern precisely.

When I walk into a room of Conservatives I know that we’ll all be from different backgrounds and walks of life. But, broadly speaking, we’re all pulling in the same direction. Personal responsibility, less Government control and free markets. We respect traditions, value law and order and change is cautious and considered. Of course, we have disagreements – it seems to be constant at times. However, in the main, we adhere to the well-known guiding principles of conservatism.

So what about Reform? Aside from reducing immigration and scrapping net zero climate policies, I struggle to identify the broader philosophy that binds Reform together – and the cracks are already showing.

A growing number of councillors are quitting Reform citing infighting and a “breathtaking” ignorance about local government. Cllr Robbie Lammas, a Medway Council member who left the Conservatives for Reform in October but has since quit, also claims that there’s no autonomy whatsoever and everything is run from HQ. It’s unsurprising, really, as I think we all kind of know that what he’s saying is bang on: Nigel is Reform and Reform is Nigel.

And as compelling as Nigel can be, proper politics is about so much more than a charismatic leader. They need to define what they believe in clearly, in a way that all their members can abide by and voters can easily understand. Teething problems are par for the course for a new party. But it’s this troublesome lack of underpinning values that is the real issue. And because of that, every day they’re one step closer to implosion.

ABBA are amazing!

I’ve never been a huge ABBA fan. In fact, when the DJ blares out Dancing Queen, that’s usually my cue to vacate the dancefloor! So I was absolutely stunned by how much I loved ABBA Voyage, the £140m show in London’s Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park where ABBA avatars – ABBAtars – belt out the band’s greatest hits in a purpose-built arena.

My mum is a huge ABBA fan, so my sister and I took her to see the show for her birthday. We sang and danced the entire time, absolutely mesmerised that the figures on stage were not the band members themselves. I know I’m about four years late to the party, but goodness me! If you love ABBA – or even if you don’t – go!

There are four constants of being a councillor: parking, pavements, potholes and… poo. Of course poo is the dog fouling variety and it rightly drives residents wild. It’s unsightly, it’s lazy, and most of all, it’s dangerous, particularly in parks enjoyed by children. So it’s common sense that local authorities are finally taking firm steps to tackle the issue.

Indeed, Boston Borough Council approved an extension to a Public Space Protection Order (PSPO), which will allow them to fine dog walkers who aren’t able to show they’ve brought poo bags with them. The rules also say dogs causing alarm or distress should be put on a lead. It’ll certainly make lazy pooch owners think twice before giving the rest of us a bad name by leaving a disgusting mess.